The most Familiar Stranger

Isn't this a co-incidence that she sholud be sending me a mail and that too not many days after I was talking about our accident and stuff? This does sound wiered but it's true that we had our first decent communication after almost an year and a half. Three day back I opened my gmail to find a mail from a familiar but most unexpected person. I don't know whether I'm to say that I was completely taken aback. 'coz ever since stumbling over a piece of her writing in one of my old note books, a few days back, I've been thinking a lot about her. I even had sleepless nights and very disturbing flashes of memories. I was begening to feel very much at peace since meeting my PYT and thought that I've finally begun to move-on. But what's this? What cruel trick of fate!

The mail said she had rather a tough time in the past few months trying to reconcile with what happened in the past. She says she has come to terms with a lot of things and has realised that there were things wrong with how she dealt with things and a lot more. But this is unfair! Though I could never hate her, I was harbouring so much of anger towards her in this past one year and half for what she did to me. She cannot come back, say a "sorry", make some confessions and spill a bucket of water over the flaming anger in me. That'd never be any compensation for the things I lost 'coz of that traumatic break-up. But sadly, that's what happened. Let me let out a deep, deep sigh "Hmmmmmmmm...".

But why? I always knew we'd come across each other again in our lives. Only that I very much wanted it to be more dramatic than this. I thought I'd come across her in a crowded shopping mall in one of the big cities and I'd take out my anger on her by slapping her in front of the whole humanity. I know, that sounds throughly unchivelrous and bad. But she, for one, was never someone who saw much value in such social conceptions. At least, that's what she used to tell me when we were together. In other moments, I much anticipated to come across her in a very private space where in I'd first slap her and then hug her and cry my heart out for... I don't know what? All this while I was expecting a through bang-bang climax for my story and look at how the fate had tricked me again?

I don't know whether I should be ashamed to tell this but my anger for her was just an inflated baloon. One prick at it and 'wooosh' it's gone! Maybe that "the heart, which has learned to love once can never hate!".

But, now I'm occupied by yet another sense of emotion which I've never experienced before - I know someone in very intimate terms and I've no feelings for that person; no hatred, no anger, no love, nothing. I wonder what will go through my mind if I ever happen to see her again? What will I say? What do we have to talk about? I see a complete end here - a sure dead end. I lost all my connections with her. I used to call her by a pet name when we were together and after she left me I started refering her as my "X". I did that 'coz in the begening it was too painful for me to listen to my own voice uttering her name. Calling her as my "X" became more convenient 'coz I possibly cannot associate anything with an alphabet in the English language. It's after a long-long time (it does seem like a long-long time, though it's only been an year and half since we parted) that I uttered her name again. But what's this? Where are those goose bums that I used to get in the past? Why is my face not going all red and pink? Why do I feel 'nothing' when I'm mentioning her name after so long? Who is she? And to that I've this one answer - she is the most Familiar Stranger in my life!

Comments

Steven Anthony said…
Fate, what a cruel ghost! wonderfuly written blog, thanx for sharing your heart my friend.

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