Impulsive, am I?

I thought I wouldn't write today. But no. I can't keep it to myself for long. Just too many things pulling the strings of my heart and let me tell you, there's no rhythm or melody for the tunes I hear in me. It's as if someone is trying to learn guitar and you can imagine how that would sound.

Now, why all this? I consulted a clinical psychologist yesterday to help myself out of smoking. And why do I want to quit smoking? The truth is - "I don't know"!

She made me talk about my past and many things that are pent up in my heart just gushed out. I talked about my past love relationship and how it all came to a traumatic end. Though an inevitable end to a 4 and half years long troubled relationship, it has left deep scars in me. I told her about the events that lead to the night when my X threatened me with suicide and how I rushed to her at 2.30 in the night, covering 400 km in 5 and half hours only to find her alive and too eager to break up.

And when I finished, she asked me something - "Are you always so impulsive?"

"Why did you ask that ma'm?"

"Why did you have to drive all the way to her and that too at such an odd hour? Besides, you should have called up her parents and saved yourself the trouble. Have you ever thought of what danger you would have been in if she had really committed suicide? The cops, the court, the case... Did you ever think of all that? Your entire life would've been spoiled, my dear boy!"

But, can anyone think in such practical terms when you hear that a person whom you consider more valuable than your own dear life is in danger? I agree, I'm impulsive. I've always been. I do have an anxiety disorder and I get cooked up all to easily if someone tries to get at me emotionally. But does this event have anything to do with my impulsiveness? Does waiting for two and odd months to purpose to a girl I'm attracted to say that I'm impulsive? Once again, let me tell you, I do have trouble with controlling my anxieties and I AM an impulsive person. Now, I'm not trying to establish her diagnosis to be wrong. In fact, she's very much right, except in that one context.

I did think of all the complications I might face if the worst had happened. But can't you see, I was courageous enough to face it if I had to. I loved her and I couldn't have left her rotting in a room and all that I'd do is, just inform her parents. I was very much aware of her temperament and the first thought that passed my mind was, "If I don't take up the responsibility of the situation, who would?". She was my girl and whatever the problem was in between us, we had to solve it within ourselves. And yes everything did get to an end. But there are a few questions left in my mind. Maybe I'll never find answer for them. Why should it matter, right?

Comments

Steven Anthony said…
Impulsive? Responsable? I suffer from anxiety as well, have been treated by meds- but did not like how they made me feel so I went off them. I have seen a therapistoff and on for yrs now,I have found that dealing with all the past junk from childhood, broken relationships ect...is the best form of dealing with it. Im doing well, have figured out my triggers, and realized like you that past things leave deep scars and sometimes we have to just get through them.

But reading your story, I think to myself, that impulsive doesnt really describe what happened. Maybe I think this because I too would have driven to "save" her. Im not sure exactley what Im trying to say, except that in love we do things that to others seem extreme. Sometimes we just have to follow our hearts.

best to you my friend.
Jo said…
Channeling 'Carrie Bradshaw'; "I can't help but wonder...." had you NOT felt compelled to drive over there in such an urgency--what would the clinical psychologist then have to say? What would that have then made you in her eyes?

Apathetic?

Ambivalent?

You did what any true lover would have done...regardless of the consequences.

It's that same "impulsiveness" said psychologist accused you of that would have perhaps saved your girlfriends life had there been an actual true crisis as she claimed.

In the end, perhaps it was your own heart that was truly saved that night. Had that not happened--where would you be?

You painfully saw with your own eyes the truth that fateful night--and while your heart suffered, it nonetheless remains in tact. As does your soul, your backbone, your courage....

You may be 'impulsive', a tad fractured and perhaps you may not even be in one piece per se...but NO ONE can ever call you heartless.

The armor may not be visible and there was never a white horse (was there??) but your kind, heartfelt act proved you noble nonetheless.

I'll be proud to call you impulsive any day.

Peace, love and happiness,
~Jo
"Diary Of A Sad Housewife"
Betty Mann said…
If it is abou love I always follow my heart.
Congrats for your writing. Love it.And I left my footprint.
Hope you get a chance to check out my blog at:
cutand-dry.blogspot.com
Nice to meet you.
Betty Mann said…
correction; About

Popular posts from this blog

Giant Dogs!!!

My 100th Post and pointless thought!

Ekan's Celebrity New Year Gala (30+1 celebrities)