Impulsive, am I?

I thought I wouldn't write today. But no. I can't keep it to myself for long. Just too many things pulling the strings of my heart and let me tell you, there's no rhythm or melody for the tunes I hear in me. It's as if someone is trying to learn guitar and you can imagine how that would sound.

Now, why all this? I consulted a clinical psychologist yesterday to help myself out of smoking. And why do I want to quit smoking? The truth is - "I don't know"!

She made me talk about my past and many things that are pent up in my heart just gushed out. I talked about my past love relationship and how it all came to a traumatic end. Though an inevitable end to a 4 and half years long troubled relationship, it has left deep scars in me. I told her about the events that lead to the night when my X threatened me with suicide and how I rushed to her at 2.30 in the night, covering 400 km in 5 and half hours only to find her alive and too eager to break up.

And when I finished, she asked me something - "Are you always so impulsive?"

"Why did you ask that ma'm?"

"Why did you have to drive all the way to her and that too at such an odd hour? Besides, you should have called up her parents and saved yourself the trouble. Have you ever thought of what danger you would have been in if she had really committed suicide? The cops, the court, the case... Did you ever think of all that? Your entire life would've been spoiled, my dear boy!"

But, can anyone think in such practical terms when you hear that a person whom you consider more valuable than your own dear life is in danger? I agree, I'm impulsive. I've always been. I do have an anxiety disorder and I get cooked up all to easily if someone tries to get at me emotionally. But does this event have anything to do with my impulsiveness? Does waiting for two and odd months to purpose to a girl I'm attracted to say that I'm impulsive? Once again, let me tell you, I do have trouble with controlling my anxieties and I AM an impulsive person. Now, I'm not trying to establish her diagnosis to be wrong. In fact, she's very much right, except in that one context.

I did think of all the complications I might face if the worst had happened. But can't you see, I was courageous enough to face it if I had to. I loved her and I couldn't have left her rotting in a room and all that I'd do is, just inform her parents. I was very much aware of her temperament and the first thought that passed my mind was, "If I don't take up the responsibility of the situation, who would?". She was my girl and whatever the problem was in between us, we had to solve it within ourselves. And yes everything did get to an end. But there are a few questions left in my mind. Maybe I'll never find answer for them. Why should it matter, right?