"Sorry seems to be the hardest word"

I'm was having a slight fever since yesterday night and that's not a good sign. I mean, I just recovered from chickenpox and if this is a re-occurrence, that's going to be really bad. These are moments when my heady enthusiasm for life and experiences and my mighty optimistic attitude fails me. All I want now is to get someone to be by my side and tell me that I'm not alone in this world. Now, do I sound very touchy and all... But that's just what I'm - a 'touch-me-not or I'll die' kind. I called up my office and took a day off work and was just checking my mails when... Well...

I went through rather a very emotional phase and feel all drained and exhausted now. The reason? A mail from someone who was a big part of my life in the past - my Lost Love. She wanted to share with me a good news that she might soon get her first book published! Aha! And that's a great news indeed and I can imagine how much she'd have been thrilled at this 'coz I know how much she wanted this to happen. It's a dream come true for her and I could sense her heart's elation from her mail. But after congratulating her on her success, I typed a rather long mail putting down all that I ever wanted to tell her - about how bad she made me feel during our break-up and how much I messed up my life because of that. I still don't know why I did that? I posted that mail as my previous post and deleted it. Some of you must have read it and if you ask me why I deleted it, I've a good reason to do so. Read further to know.

Though I never expected a reply for that mail, there she sends me a mail trying to rationalise things with me and pointing out to me that it was very indiscreet on my side to have written about my personal life that involved her in an open space like a blog where millions (some common acquaintances also) would read it. Though she never blamed me for it in harsh terms, she did say that I did rather ruthlessly character assassin her. I must admit that she was the most gentle in her tone though she never really understood what prompted me to do so. Ah! But that's no justification for what I did. What right and what nobility was on my part to have talked so openly about a girl's character and that too in a country where the life of a woman is horrible in a million other ways? Now, I must admit that it was indeed very un-gentlemanly and shameful on my part to have done that and the only justification I can give for doing so is that her actions had hurt me like hell and gave me the 'life in a hell' for almost an year and a half. Besides, I never meant to assassin any character, or talk ill of someone or show someone in any bad light. I was just stating some facts and was trying to push off many disturbing images from my mind. Previously, I tried to do that by many other means. I went to councillors, underwent medications but nothing worked. And then I found solace in shouting out aloud through silent words to many strangers about my pains. It's my haunting loneliness and the nightmares of those bad moments that drove me insane enough to commit such a hideous deed. I was experimenting with a process of self purgation of cleaning my mind of the hurts that lie so deep in me. And many of you might be familiar with people doing the same in this blog space. And I know these are not the least justifications for what I did.

Seems like there's still a lot of dirt in me to be cleaned. But how would I ever do it?

I know this means nothing and would never be enough to mend any damage that I caused (If I did and I pray not much harm has been done). All I could do is delete that post which talked about my break up with her. And also, shout out aloud in silence that I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY... A MILLION TIMES. But as I've mentioned in that post that I removed, this "SORRY" is just an excuse for my evil deeds and I'm extremely shameful about it. I take an oath never to do it again. Here onwards I'll never even use that derogatory term "X" in my posts if and when I've to mention her (And I'll have to mention her at one point or the other 'coz, good or bad, she's the reason for what I'm today). I'll address her as my "Lost Love". I'm really ashamed that I addressed her with just an alphabet in English and deprived her of any respect that she deserved not as my previous girl friend but as a human being.

I could see how much she was hurt with me mentioning her as my "X" and showing no discretion in talking about her miss deeds. I realise I've been very unkind to her. All I can say is that my head is held down in shame and I dare not look into a human eye and say I did all that. I'm humbled and am utterly ashamed of my indiscreet ways.

So, dear blogger friends, kindly forgive me on her behalf and I ask me-self to forgive me-self too, for it's the worst thing to live with such a guilt. I respect women and the position they have in this world though I may not be good at handling them.

If not my other posts, I really want everyone to read this and I might probably send her the link with all your responses if that could be anything of a compensation for what I did.


And I very well know that always "Sorry seems to be the hardest word".


Fireblossom said…
At your request, my friend, here I am. I'm sorry to hear you've been ill. That's never fun.

It seems you're asking for reactions, and so here is mine. You must mean SOMEthing to her, at least as a friend, because she did care to tell you her marvelous news. Now here is where i am forced to hit you over the head with a rolled up newspaper. This was her moment, her joyful news. If you care at all for her, then your response should have been congratulations, and the focus should have been on her achievement, yes?

Love is so hard to lose or let go of, believe me, I know. But in the end, I believe that our lives are only and always our own responsibility and no one else's.

I wish you healing.

I' sorry to hear you've been ill.
My opinion(as a woman) is that she definitely CARES about you.Mentioning her as your "x"made her realize that she is missing you for good.The other point I 'd like to mention is that she really wanted to share with you her great news. Because she feels very close to you and that would mean a lot to her. Hope my opinion helped a little.
Steven Anthony said…
Gosh, dude, I hope you are ok....I was hoping u were all better.....argggggg

continue to follow your heart;)
Brian Miller said…
we all find our selves there when we are lead by our emotions. you are forgiven. i hope she finds it as well to forgive you. hope you are feeling better soon. i imagine just in writing this it makes you feel somewhat better.
Gloria said…
We've all been there and not been able to resist the deliciously short-lived satisfaction of behaving in a less than honourable way when we are feeling lost, sad and abandoned. It's natural my friend and as long as you take the lesson from it, not to behave in a similar fashion again then all is not lost.

You've not been well lately so ease up on yourself. A big hug to you E and be good to you!
dannyd said…
I agree with Betty that this girl still has some good will towards you if she could tell you the good news. I am also of the opinion that you are a very respectful and decent person because you had the courage to admit you were wrong in making a post about the breakup. It's unfortunate that love was lost, but better that than not loving at all. Feel better...
Elenka said…
OK, now, I don't know any of you, but there are times when a person tells another person that kind of good news to make the recipient of the good news feel bad. It's like, 'I'm doing good and you probably are not." I'm sure she must be aware of the pain she put you through, at least somewhat, so what was the purpose of her even contacting you? To gloat?
This is all surface evaluation of the situation, of course, trying to see the other side. I don't think it's necessarily bad that she becomes aware of what she did to you. She just opened the door for you to spill out your guts. Keeping it inside isn't the best thing either. You said and did what you felt, it's done and you don't ever have to wonder if she is aware of the pain she put you through. There's a lesson here for both of you. Like Brian said, writing all this, the good, the bad and the ugly are no doubt remedial.
Hope you feel better.
Kaiserin Sisi said…
We forgive but never forget! Life goes on my friend. Take care of yourself.
Joanna Jenkins said…
Like they say, breaking up is hard to do. Lesson learned-- Don't press "publish" with an emotional post until you've had a night to sleep on it. You might change your mind. But I take my hat off to you for deleting it and apologizing.

Hope you are feeling better.
SupahMommy said…
Aww.. everyone makes mistakes.. in a myriad of ways.
True friendships and relationships endure because we see past: emotional turmoil and simply understand. We look behind the effect .. for the cause.

I think you are honorable in a country that is so very different than mine. I'm certain there are many men who would not have thought twice about being disrespectful, but you did. I also know personally, that you toiled with whether or not you should post such feelings.

The feelings are still valid. Dont' forget. The delivery was not the best method for the reasons you listed above.. but the feelings are still there.

I still think you should : put that postiive, kind energy elsewhere. See what you catch . . .

xoxox supah
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