Contemplation, realisation and an approaching death

This might be a complete shock to many of you who have been following me for a while now. I usually try to be very happy and happening, else very mushy and touchy in my posts. And I was never trying to pretend too. I was trying to build a person in me who can face the world with a smile even at the eve of dooms day. But I think I'm not that. It's not there in me to keep fighting, fighting and fighting with me-self all my life and all alone.

After a long while I ventured to stray into boundaries that was once closed for me. I visited the blog of my "lost-love". And why did I do that? Heaven knows why? It was like some unknown force was leading me there without my will. But unlike before and for the first time ever, I read what she had to say about her life without any pre-conditioned mind set. Usually whenever I visit her blog I dig out a lot of stuff from there to offend me and feel bad and miserable about. But today, I read and re-read a few of her posts and I started realising many things. This life's so confusing, friend. No matter how much you try to seek the answers, they never come to you until they want to, until they have to. And when you do get some of those answers, you wish you had never seeked them 'coz they're so very painful. Maybe that I'm still not grown enough to comprehend many things. Do I wish to grow up? Oh! Yes! Just to escape these pains but otherwise No...

And to see her writing about her new boyfriend whom she ditched me for, I felt... Ah! Can't say. But I can see that she has matured up a lot and is much more at peace with herself. Did I feel happy about it? Can't say. But I sure felt very jealous about her love life. I could see that they act like grown ups which was never the case between us. We did have a lot of fun together, but it was always more like the fun between two children who grew up together. And of course, both of us were kids and very much immature. And my answer to the question - Why didn't she ever value it? - got answered. I also realised why it all appears so important to me still. I don't wish to justify her acts and make me-self look like an all forgiving angel. I'm not. I might forgive but will never forget. And I can't forget 'coz, very immature that I was, I was always very true to that relationship and did every foolish thing that a young boy would do with utmost sincerity to it. It was a phase of my life that transformed me and which is still transforming me.

I'm also seeing the person that she was and is which I could never see then. Do I hate her? No. Am I still angry at her? No 'coz my anger has no relevance what so ever. Then what does she mean to me any longer? I simply couldn't say. All I know is that she's one person who will always stay in my mind all through my life and that very truth somehow hurts me. She's now the most familiar stranger in my life. There was 'something' beyond mere physical attraction and fancies of young raw minds that bound us together for almost 5 long years. And that 'something' seems to be still lingering in me when it has no effect in her. Maybe it's 'coz she's happy with the person in her life and that she needn't feel the loss that I feel. But the fact remains that I'm afraid I'd never be close to anyone in my life as I was with her. And that's not 'coz she'd come in between. It's simply 'coz I rather realize my destiny now. I'm going to be a loner even if there comes another person in my life, and would die a slow, silent and unattended death. My only wish is that I need to die rather early in my life 'coz without my wish or will my life has made a fighter out of me and I see that the best place for a soldier to die is in the war field and when the battle is still on. If he returns, life would be the most cruel to him in spite of his gallantry and heroic deeds. And maybe that's why I'm still smoking so heavily in spite of the apparent dangers it has already shown in me.

A few weeks back we send mails across each other and I said it's very important in my life that we meet at least once. She said she was very busy and would arrange for a meeting sometimes in the coming weeks. Now, why do I want to meet her again? The time that I asked her to meet me was when I felt there was still something in between us which needs to be brought out and get done with for me to lead a happier life. Also I still had my mighty anger brewing in me. But now... After so much going through my head... Why should we meet? I don't know. But I still very much look forward to that meeting. Would it save me from my predicaments? Would that be the ultimate cure for the cancerous memories and thoughts that has spread into my every living cells? Would I come back a happier person or would I shatter to a million pieces that can never be joined together?

I've always taken chances with my life. As I told you, my life has made a fighter out of me without my wish or will. And I have to do it. I have no other options left. I can't give a silent ear to what my heart tells me. I'll have to listen to it and act on it, even if it means that I'd be doomed to death for doing so.