The much awaited review and the result

Ah! I had my much awaited review of my official performance today. I've been waiting for this since the past two weeks. Today I just walked into my boss' room and said I need to be given a feed back on my performance till date. He said ok and asked me to bring the copies of everything I did till date.

I had to my credit 7 print ads, three invites, one brochure and a few odd and other write-ups, the copies of which he splayed on the desk in front of him. A few minutes of going through it and he said just what I long expected to hear -  "not good". He said the work that I've done since I joined this company in June is nothing short of "zilch". And I couldn't agree with him more. I have been reviewing my own work and found out that I have got nothing substantial to my credit yet! Now, isn't that bad? Yes it is, and very much so.

And why couldn't I give my best till now? The reasons are umpteen and yet, they're only reasons. The fact remains that I've been working with an ad agency for nearly 5 months and I haven't been able to give my best shot yet. Let me take this opportunity to express my gratitude to the company and the people in here for being so nice with me. And my boss was just being very honest with me and in the most gentlemanly way that I could've ever expected of him. He could have shouted at me. He could've humiliated me. He could've broken the little confidence that's left in me. But no. He did what a wise man could've ever done. He said the most honest things to me and put the ball in my court. He asked me how long will I need to prove that I can better me-self. Without having to think twice I said, till the end of December failing which, I'll quit this job. So that's it. I've till the end of this year to prove that I haven't lost the game yet. But here is my real predicament. Is advertising my cup of tea? I love the field but I'm very aware of my limitations as a copy writer. If not this, then what is the profession that I'd fit in the best? I'm rather confused. This is the problem of being a "Jack of some trades and master of none". But I'm not going to think about it now. To me, I've till the end of December. And I've decided to give it my best shot and if I fail even after that, I'll gracefully quit the scene, not as a failure but as someone who fought till his last breath and lost.

And to tell you the lame reasons for my under performance, here they're:

1. I was very underconfident about me-self. Just beginning to cope up with things after a series of successive blows in my personal life.
   
2. I couldn't keep my personal life apart from my professional life. I'm just beginning to learn to do this very important thing in a professional's life.
   
3. Lack of a social life has driven me to become a habitual brooder.
4. Too many other distractions in my life like the hang over of a terrible break-up, desperateness to find a companion, too much into things other than my work like blogging and bike rides.
5. Lack of proper reading (Haven't completed a decent book, not even a magazine in the past one year).
6. Hang over of a terrible experience with my past job which lead to my lack of confidence.
7. The crazy household that I'm in that gives me no peace of mind and makes me feel very insecure.
8. Letting all the PYT's, Lost Love and stupid things distract me, which is again due to my desperateness to find a companion.
9. etc.
10. etc.
11. etc.

Now, I cannot tell all this to my boss 'coz it's none of his botheration. He pays me to get his job done and if I've other reasons not to do them, I better quit. And I think that's a fare and square deal. After all, I owe that to a company and a boss who was so much accommodating.

So dear friends, I wouldn't be bothering you all for a while now 'coz it's a do or die thing for me. 31st of December is going to be very decisive for me. I don't care even if I do not succeed. But I'm not going to quit as a looser before I give it one last good fight. What to do? I'm a martyr by birth!