Contemplation, realisation... happenings at a Devil's workshop!

Idling at home for the past two days made me think about a lot of things - my future, career, family and besides all this, the thing about love and relationships. It just occurred to me that I've grown up a little as a person. I mean, I no longer have confusions about what I want in my life. I seem to have fallen in track with life. I did think a lot about my PYT today. I tried to reason out with things in me. I thought a lot about my past relationship too. And I now understand the difference between love and attraction.

To put this thought in simple terms - attraction is the first thing that you feel towards a desirable person in your life. Attraction has many reasons - could be the looks, the attitude, the character etc. etc. etc. But can you call it love? Absolutely not. Are you attracted to your sister/brother, your mother/father? You could be. But is that the over-riding emotion that you share with those people? No. You love them most probably than not. Then why do we use terms like "Love at first sight" when it comes to someone outside your family? It's just 'coz you don't know better. As simple as that!

Then what is this thing called love? Can attraction turn into love? Yes. It can. If you take the time to know that person better, get to understand her/his needs and appreciate it, get to accept her/him, have a 360 degree view of the person and not just one aspect of him/her etc. etc. etc. And this exercise takes time. Most often than not what we do is we feel attracted to a person, call it "love at first sight" and keep deluding ourselves that we love that person until one fine morning we wake up to realise that all that was nothing but a big sham (exactly what happened to my X girl friend). And then you fall into another track of a constant mind game of telling yourself that "No. No. I do love him/her" and being ruthlessly honest with yourself about your feelings for the same person. Am I not true? People who had to part ways in a love relationship would relate with my thought better. The others... well, they're just lucky enough to have been spared this most torturous learning experience.

And among the two girls (my X and the PYT) who occupy the most of mind, the person, I can say, that I love is my X. Yes. I still love her or perhaps it is that, I still cherish the relationship though it was one of the most tumultuous and trouble filled one. I say this 'coz in spite of all that happened I tried a lot to understand the person. Tried to know her needs, her dreams, her ambitions... I'd also agree that it was never done in the right way. The young and confused person that I was then, I never could really understand any of those though I made very sincere efforts to do so. I was too young then. Knew nothing about this world or the life around me. I was always in a shell which I thought was life. Can't deny the fact that the comfort of that shell was too enticing for me to ever get out of it. And finally we had to part ways after a very happening, eventful, troublesome relationship that lasted for 4 and half years. I was angry at her for throwing me away. I was angry at the whole world. But now, the light of realisation has dawned on me. Looking back, I can now understand what she was. What her needs were. What her ambitions were. And besides all, that she was even younger than me and much more confused than I was then. I also realise that she was too immature to be not as selfish as she was.

And now, when the Cupid send the first arrow when my eyes fell on my PYT, he got me quite off guard. The lethal love weapon went into my heart without even me realising it. But no. I'm not that 20 year old to be fooled again. I don't want this to be called "love at first sight", simply because I know it is not. I'm smarter enough than the smart Cupid to know that his arrow has only kindled a sense of attraction in me. To love her, we need to be closer and I need my chance to know her better and she too need be given her chance to know me. As it is, there are no such opportunities for us and the sad part of the story is that she is not a bit interested in me. In fact, she gets annoyed at my advances. But the better part of the story is that I'm least offended by it. She's young, young enough not to understand a person like me. After all, I've never been an easy nut to crack in spite of me wearing my heart at my sleeves!
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PST: Now I really understand the meaning of the phrase "an empty mind is a devil's workshop".