Cry my heart out

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(This one is actually dated 4\4\2008)

I feel like reaching out to a hundred faceless strangers and find among them the one face that is familiar, the one that I lost, and the one that’s engraved in my mind, the one that I love the most…

I feel like singing a song, the song for which there are no words written ever, the song that has never been composed, and the song that will tell of the pain (or is it something else?) in my heart…

I feel like painting a picture, the one that can never be painted with any colours known, the one which can not be defined by any lines or curves, the one that I alone can paint and yet I cannot…

I feel like traveling through a country side, the country side which no country has, the country side with trees but no trees on both sides, the one which leads to a mountain which is not there, the one which has a pond by its side but with water and no water in it…

Oh! My heart aches… it really aches like I’ve never known before…

Feels like there’s a struggle in me… Or is it outside me????

A struggle of my soul to flee off my rotting body… A struggle of my body to pull out the revolting soul… But there’s something that binds things together in and out of me… something that never let go of things… something that wants things to be together…

Everything seems to be over and just like that… Is this a night mare???? Will I wake up ever???? Will there be that hand to soothe me again???? Will there be that eyes to look into mine so tender???? Will there be anything????

I know I’m crying over a burial… but what lies beneath, I alone know…

I got back a postcard yesterday given to me by my DEAD FATHER… I don’t even remember when he gave to me. He’s been dead and gone 12 years ago… I know he must’ve given it to me years before that… Is he still trying to mock at me???? Saying that “I’m still there”… And not much words in it… just – “To, Dear Sambhu, From Acha”. I can see him grinning at me from the doors of the ether world. “Acha, please don’t make me cry anymore. I have cried enough for you. Now, let me cry for something else too…” Now I know Death is not the only thing that mocks at you…

Pathetic existence I lead!!!! Wish I were dead…. Then again what’s the use???? It’s again an end… And there seems to be no end to this End…

If there’s a GOD, I’ve this one prayer to him – “O Lord! Fill my eyes with an ocean of tears, for I haven’t cried enough. Enough of your cruel tricks with me. I might have wronged. But my intentions were never wrong. Give me one more chance – ONE LAST CHANCE. Let me at least cry… PLEASE LET ME CRY…

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