Am I weird or just obnoxiously logical?

Thinking about things, because that's the only thing I get to do nowadays, did I get a little mixed up in my formative years?

For one, I didn't have my most loved and understanding father to guide me in my teens, and all my other relatives who tried to be in his place, claiming to direct me in the right direction were all jerks. I mean, I was led to think that my own mother, a widow in her young and prime age, was a woman with bad morals and I even tried to kill her a couple of times. They even convinced me that she was the reason why my father had a heart attack and died!

In my younger days (I mean, when I was in my teens), I was a person with many interests like drawing, singing, cricket, chess, stamp and coin collection, and even learning about flags! And even though I was never a voracious reader, I still loved books, library, and I even used to spend my vacation in my grandparents' house, cataloging the books in the little private library that my grandfather had.

Then in my late teens I met this guy and a girl (the girl I first fell in love with), who actually were, or just pretended to be, nerds.

Though I can't find anything to complain about it now because they transformed me from a teenager who tore up his little sister's sleeveless frock because he thought it was immodest, to a guy who ended up having almost a live-in relationship with the girl.

I kind of half-metamorphosed in their company because I still am struggling to understand what 'they' call by liberal values and freedom when they themselves had a drunken night and my 'best friend' ended up sleeping hugging my 'girlfriend', and yet he justified that to me and had the audacity to call me a "bastard", when he learned that I was in love with his cousin sister after my tragic break-up with that girlfriend after she ditched me for another guy!

I shouldn't say this and I know I made a 'jack-ass' out of me, but still the truth is that after whatever I faced from my relatives after my father's death, these two people, even more than my own sister or mom, were the ones I trusted and loved, and believed in, the most. I mean, half the time, in those days, I used to be at his home! I used to feel like his family, though now I know that I was never that.

And his younger brother... Oh! We used to have such a great rapport. I took him for my own little brother and tried to gift him with things, which I've never even gifted to my own little sister.

I know, I was a fool but the years of stupidities that I've committed till this age of 33 (which I'm soon going to complete in another month) are things I guess, I'll have to live with the rest of my life.

I know, I strayed a bit into that dastardly past but I did it purposefully to set the context.

Right now, I feel so completely mixed up.

After two tragic break-ups and almost a decade of no girl in my life but just the regrets and complaints, recently I finally convinced myself that just any girl who wants a good company can come into my life but...

And that's a huge 'But' as I've become so anti-social, critical and cynical that I can no longer be in a group and make a girl interested in me even with my graying stubble, and devil-may-care attitude. I end up with the married men complaining about their problems (even the ones younger than me!)

And even when I try to seek a marriage through traditional means, I've problems because I don't have a fat salary, or that I don't own a house or a car, or because I'm a well known drunkard in the neighbourhood!

Now, I really have no complaints against all those girls or their parents, who would have struggled so hard to spoon feed their little girls with silver or golden spoons,

Now, I completely understand what my 'girlfriend's' little sister meant when she said "money is always a banana peel in the way of romance."


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