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Monday, August 1, 2011

Decided to live single

There's a ton of memory that's weighing down my thoughts. I lost all my contact with her about 3 months back. I last send a mail and a message to her about two months back and never got any reply. No. Not that she'd dead. She's very much alive and I know that but she has gone far, far away from me. Not a day pass without thinking about her. In fact, it's her thoughts and the handful of beautiful memories of our togetherness that I live on every hour. I wish to go to her home, knock at her door and bargain a glance at her but I dare not do it. Not because I'm afraid of anything for myself but I don't wish to disrupt a peaceful life that I expect her to be having now. I think I've grown enough to take in pains and not complain aloud and so I sit here typing this post with invisible tears running down my cheeks. I wish someday I come across her again. No. Not to ask her anything. Not to hurt her with a word but to see her again. Just to see her again.

I see no more lights in her window when I pass her house in the evenings when I return home after office. Maybe they have moved out to a different house. I don't know. I don't wish to find that out either.

I want to but don't want to quit smoking. I know it's killing me with every drag I take in. The doctor diagnosed me with wheezing and advised me to quit smoking. Said I may develop asthma if I don't. My mom is sad that I'm killing myself. What I do now is smoke in secrecy and not hurt my mom. She's doubtful 'coz I still cough but I say it's 'coz of something else. I want to keep her happy but don't want to keep myself happy if I don't have her to share it with. Death doesn't scare me. As long as I'm alive, I'm not dead and when I'm dead, I wouldn't be there to regret it. I don't wish to live for long without her but I don't want to announce it aloud either. I don't want to commit suicide 'coz I'm scared of ending it all too soon - what if I get to see her one of these days? I don't want to deny me-self that chance.

Am I a Devdas? Not exactly. I don't drink myself to death. Nor am I sitting duck and doing nothing. I'm employed and I wish to give my 100 % in my job. I want to keep earning as long as my mom is alive 'coz I don't want to put her back to misery. She should be happy and yes - that's my only wish - that I stay alive as long as my mom is so that she's not left alone in this world. What after that? Ideally speaking, I want to die the next day after I finish off all the last rights for my mom. 'coz I no longer have a reason to live after that. My life has been compromised for love not once but twice and I failed. I'm carrying all the bitterness and pain of it with me through every living second.

My friends advised me to get married. I registered myself in a matrimonial site as I don't have the courage or energy to fall in love again. And now my hobby is to keep looking at all those pretty faces that come into my mail box everyday. I do find some of them suitable and attractive but I think my mind has lost the innocence to like another girl for her face value. I can keep looking at their faces, admire their beauty but the moment I think about a life with any one of them, the face of my girl springs back to my mind. I want any strange girl to be her. That is to say, I want her back and that's the only girl I can live with. Also, I refuse to believe that any other girl could be so warm and nice to me like she was and I'm not ready to compromise for anything less than that.

Today, on my way to office I was thinking why I can't live a single's life. Why not? I'm 28 now and I've been living single so far. Going ahead, I may live up to 55 or 60, which means half my life is already over. If I can make it alone this far, why make a fuss of making it till the end alone? And then again, I smoke, I drink, have no healthy habits, no proper exercise and live in a very polluted environment and chances are that my life will get further reduced. Then why the fuss at all? I don't know... Maybe it's just my human instinct to survive. But I fail to understand any logical reason behind survival. If you can do all you wished to do in a short time and die, isn't that enough? Me getting married or producing children is not going to affect the way the world is. Even if I refuse to produce a child, it's not a threat to the existence of human race. If I like kids, I can always have one or the other to play with 'coz the rest around me firmly believe in the idea of pro-generation.

I think now I've enough reasons to live and end (not on my own will, though) a short, lonely life...

If I don't sound logical in these ramblings, I'm MAD. I don't care either... 

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