The Truth About Me-self

Thinking about things, because that's the only thing I get to do nowadays, did I get a little mixed up in my formative years? For one, I didn't have my most loved and understanding father to guide me in my teens, and all my other relatives who tried to be in his place, claiming to direct me in the right direction were all jerks. I mean, I was led to think that my own mother, a widow in her young and prime age, was a woman with bad morals and I even tried to kill her a couple of times. They even convinced me that she was the reason why my father had a heart attack and died! In my younger days (I mean, when I was in my teens), I was a person with many interests like drawing, singing, cricket, chess, stamp and coin collection, and even learning about flags! And even though I was never a voracious reader, I still loved books, library, and I even used to spend my vacation in my grandparents' house, cataloging the books in the little private library that my grandfather had. ...

I'm aghast at how some people are trying to paint pink on the Central government's order on ban on cattle slaughter and trade. I agree that the order given out by the Union forest and environment ministry doesn't talk about 'beef ban' per say, as is being projected by the supposedly 'Hindu' sentimentalists but... And that's a huge BUT! A few years back the BJP tried to implement beef ban across the nation and then there were criticisms of excluding the buffaloes from the ban, and now they made a blanket ban on cattle slaughter and trade, even including camels in it! Now the buffaloes and the camels in India can heave a sigh of relief. I'm intrigued why even the 'animal rights activist' Maneka Gandhi came out in support for this move by the Central government. She's supposed to be an 'animal' rights activist, and I wonder why any other animals including human beings, doesn't fall under the category of animals other than ...

I somehow feel more and more like the character Sheldon Cooper from the TV sitcom 'Big Bang Theory'. I don't mean, I'm a smart successful scientist. I'm rather a dull and invisible sub editor working for the English online edition of a Malayalam (read Regional) newspaper, but I'm beginning to show all the anti-social behaviour that he express. I've got my own spot on the sofa in my house, which I would wait to sit on if someone else is sitting there. I make very 'inappropriate' comments to women, even though in my mind I'm just talking plain and inoffensive, and perhaps even clinical. I show signs of intellectual arrogance even though in my mind, I'm just trying to put across my point that appeals completely logical to me. I'm getting more and more desensitised towards feelings like what others call expressions of love and affection - it's like I'm increasingly growing intolerant towards anyone touching me unless I need...

I've got myself registered in a couple of matrimonial websites since the past 5 and odd years and it's nothing less than disappointing. If the horoscopes match (which is important in my community) then there's a problem with my low-paying job and the fact that I don't own a house or a car or that I'm not extremely well-off. And with people who are ok with all that, the horoscope plays the villain. 5 to 6 years in this drama and I'm loosing my patience lately. The obvious answer is for me to find a girl on my own. As easy as it may sound, and for a guy who had two heart-wrenching break-ups in his-story, I'm simply not the Romeo stuff. I cannot woo just any girl I fancy. The best I can do is stare at her, fantasise about her and maybe write a poem or a short story when the mood strikes me. Jealousy has never been a part of my nature but I guess I'm beginning to feel that emotion towards all my married friends. Now that they have all even got kids to...

Loneliness... It's a friend I've been trying to avoid for ages but I guess, he's the only one interested enough to stick with me. 33 is not an old age per say, but it makes yo feel so old when all your friends have already got married and even have kids. I feel so stuck in my present and have no hope for the future that on nights like this I really wish I close my eyes for the last time. There are still desires burning in me - I want a woman in my life, kids to take care of; plan vacations with them to many of my favourite places... A trip with my friends and their family to some place like Kodaikanal or Andaman or Sikkim. I want to be in company, I need people around me. I'm thankful that I still have my mother and grandparents at my home, I love and feel very comfortable living with them but at nights, I feel my bed is terribly empty without another person - someone to talk to, just hold hands or someone stroking my hair. Someone, at least to pick up a figh...

Concerning religion and faith... I'm a Hindu, not by choice but by birth, and nevertheless I'm happy (not proud 'coz there's nothing to be proud of something you never achieved. I can be proud if I had invented a new gadget that would make human toils easier) to be one to belong to a much inclusive (not the superior 'coz there logically cannot be a "superior") faith. And I'm most unhappy at what is now being projected now as 'Hinduism'. Hinduism is not about 'cow protection' while ignoring the problems of 'child marriage', 'rape', 'honour killing' and many more. Hinduism is not about hate or rebellion. Anyways, that aside, this is an incident that  happened about 10 years ago. I was travelling alone by train - from Mumbai to Kerala. It was a long journey and to get imprisoned inside a metal container rolling on metal in the Indian summer for hours together is nothing fanciful. I had already finished the Aga...