Why I didn't/couldn't write anymore...

 I see that my last post was on June 25, 2018. And why didn't I write anything after that?

Well, it's not just about a blog post but I haven't actually written anything after that. And today is January 13, 2022, and why am I writing now? Why didn't I write anything for so long?

I've no explanations. If you check my blog posts, you will see that I was a prolific writer in the beginning and then it just kept tapering out. I lost focus, inspiration...

Nothing in my life seems to evoke any inspiration in me anymore. I've become a prisoner of my own making. I've shackled myself to so many things that I find it very difficult to break away from it anymore.

At the same time, I also realise that it's all futile.

So many things happened in my life in the past few years which kept me busy, distracted, unfocused... Divorce, both my grandparents passing away, me being unsuccessful to grow in my career though I'm in a steady job for more than two years now, the growing distaste for wanting to live a long life, UTTER BOREDOM, having to pick up a fight with an old girlfriend with whom I always wanted to reconnect as a good friend but who started talking nonsense to me, loosing friends, relatives, ALCOHOLISM, lack of any motivation to do any better, living under one roof with my mom who never appreciates my efforts or understand me, straining my relationship with my only younger sister because I'm bad at money management and she's getting tired of me asking her for financial help...

One of my friends even told me that I should stop living for myself and live for others around me. What does that mean? What can an empty and trashed up vessel do for others?

I tried to fill my life with many things but nothing seems to be going the right way.

People say I need to turn to God. But when did I ever turn away from God? I might not be the regular temple trotting ritualistic guy but whenever I do something, I always think about God and prey that whatever my actions are, let it be for the good of others.

True that I'm not religious or ritualistic but I do believe in God. To me, God is something who created the good and the evil, the positive and the negative... Because there cannot be two creators -- one who creates the good and another who creates the bad, because if so, then all these creations are just puppets in the hands of an unknown master.

I happen to come across something called the 'Adwaitha Vedanta' which talks about non-duality. Which when, understood in the right way (according to what I understood) means that all the good and evil is One. There are no Devas and Asuras; no divine and demonic. It's all one conscience. You can be the God or the Devil. When you suppress someone and try to gain rule over the others, you're a Demon; and when you let others live their own free will and not control it, be helpful to others and be unaffected by it, you become oneself with the Brahman (Cosmic Universe).

Uh... I've started blabbering again. This is why I didn't write anything for so long because the many things I was so confident about in the past have failed me. With all my mistakes, I've always been very true and loyal to the people around me but that doesn't seem to be enough.

There're times when I just want to break down and cry but then many around me say: "Come on, you're a Man and not supposed to cry. It'll just make you look weaker."

I'm LOST!